Stop Reaching

Fold Into Me

there’s a way things fall apart
that doesn’t look like anything

no missed calls
no big scenes
no one pulling you aside asking what’s wrong

you’re still answering messages
still showing up on time
still laughing in the right places

like nothing is breaking

like nothing even could

but inside
something isn’t holding

and you keep adjusting for it
without thinking

like if you stay steady enough
it won’t spill

I tried to say it

not everything
just enough to count

and my family did what they know

they gave me words
that are supposed to help

the kind people reach for
when they don’t know where else to go

and I could tell
they meant every one of them

that’s what made it hard

because it wasn’t wrong

it just didn’t touch it

it stayed up here
somewhere above it

like they were trying to reach me
without stepping in

my friends were easier
and harder

they listened
they asked
they stayed in it with me

but after a while
I could feel myself talking too long

like the air shifted

nothing they did
just something you notice

when you’ve been in your own head
too long

and suddenly
I wasn’t just saying it

I was watching it happen

watching myself explain

hearing how it sounded

and it felt like too much
before anyone said it was

so I started cutting it down

less detail
quicker answers
an easy exit

before it could sit too long
in the room

I went to the one place
that’s supposed to hold it

and it did
for a second

until I realized

he leaves that room

he has a life
that doesn’t include me

and I know that’s normal

I know that’s how it works

but something about that

it made everything clear

there isn’t anyone
waiting somewhere
who can take this whole thing

not my family
not my friends
not him

not anyone

and it wasn’t this big heartbreak

it was quieter than that

more like

oh

that’s what this is

the reason it feels like no one gets it
isn’t because they don’t care

it’s because they can’t

not fully
not the way I keep hoping
without meaning to

so I stopped reaching
like that

not all at once
just less

and everything I used to push outward
started staying in

not in a sad way

just here

like holding something
because there’s nowhere to set it down

it’s a strange kind of alone

not empty
not abandoned

just

not shared

and nothing about me looks different

I still answer
still show up
still sound like myself

except

I don’t wait for it anymore

for someone to say the exact thing
for it to finally click

I don’t expect that moment

and when it gets heavy again

when it starts slipping

I don’t reach out first

I just

stay with it

not because it fixes anything

just because

it’s mine

and no one else

was ever going to be able
to carry it for me

not really

---

This piece reimagined as a song using Suno (lyrics are mine).

---

Lyrics:

verse 1

room full of bodies, nobody stays

eyes on me, but they fade away

laugh like I’m in it, play my part

study the room like it’s tragic art

hands brushing past me, soft and slow

I could lean in, but I already know

they don’t see me, not like that

so I don’t reach… I just lean back

pre-chorus

used to wait for someone to notice

read me right, come a little close

hang on words like they might save me

just to feel held by somebody

chorus

so I fold into me

like the arms I was hopin’ you’d be

soft enough, finally

turn my unraveling

into somethin’ I need

I stop beggin’ for anyone

stop chasin’ a read that won’t come

I don’t need love with conditions

or someone to see my intentions

I’ll hold myself

better than anyone else

verse 2

mirror catches what they don’t see

every angle they pass right by me

I move slow like I’ve got time

trace my skin like it’s finally mine

used to fold when the room went cold

try to be what I thought they’d hold

now I let that silence sit

turn it into somethin’ intimate

pre-chorus

used to wait for someone to notice

read me right, come a little close

hang on words like they might save me

just to feel held by somebody

chorus

so I fold into me

like the arms I was hopin’ you’d be

soft enough, finally

turn my unraveling

into somethin’ I need

I stop beggin’ for anyone

stop chasin’ a read that won’t come

I don’t need love with conditions

or someone to see my intentions

I’ll hold myself

better than anyone else

bridge

call it lonely, I call it control

no empty hands tryin’ to fill this role

I got a pulse, I got a spark

I can light me up in the dark

no more waitin’ on someone else

to read my heart like a book on a shelf

I know the story, I know it well

I can give me what I never felt

final chorus

so I fold into me

like the arms I was hopin’ you’d be

soft enough, finally

turn my unraveling

into somethin’ I need

I stop beggin’ for anyone

I’m done chasin’ what won’t come

I don’t need love with

conditions

or someone to see my intentions

I’ll hold myself

better than anyone else

---

Author's Note:

this came from a night where I reached out to everyone in my life and still felt completely overwhelmed. I tried family, I tried friends, I said it out loud, and nothing really changed. so I messaged my therapist, because that’s where you’re supposed to take it when it gets too heavy. he said he would respond, and then he didn’t. and I had this moment where I wanted to be mad, like I should be mad, but I couldn’t. he’s human. he has a life, other clients, things going on that have nothing to do with me. it wasn’t personal. but that realization didn’t make it easier, it made it clearer. no one can actually step in and help in the way I needed, even if they want to. and most of them do. this piece came from sitting in that understanding, that this is something I have to make it through myself.

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