A Dark Thought
TW. It comes and goes.
they taught me young
that love sounds like staying
like gripping something so tightly
it forgets how to breathe
and calling that devotion
they handed me stories
where endings were proof
where the depth of a feeling
was measured by how much it could survive
even if survival looked like suffering
especially if it did
and I carried that
like it was something sacred
like love meant endurance
meant witnessing every moment
meant refusing to let anything slip away
even when it was already asking to
but there’s a thought
I don’t say out loud
not because it isn’t true
but because it ruins everything people want love to be
it doesn’t feel noble
it doesn’t sound beautiful
it doesn’t make a good story
it sits wrong
like something honest
that no one wants named
what if love isn’t always
in the saving
what if sometimes
it’s in the knowing
in the moment where you see something clearly enough
to understand
that holding on isn’t kindness
that witnessing isn’t mercy
that staying
isn’t always love
we worship the endings
that hurt the most
call them tragic
like that makes them meaningful
call them romantic
like that makes them right
but I’ve started to wonder
if we’ve been confusing devotion
with desperation
if we’ve been calling it love
when it was really just fear
dressed up as something permanent
and I hate that I can see it
hate that somewhere in me
there’s another version of the story
one that doesn’t fight the ending
just to prove it mattered
one that doesn’t need to be seen
to be real
one that understands
that sometimes the kindest thing
is the thing no one will ever call love
and I don’t know what that says about me
that I can feel it
and still hesitate
that I can recognize it
and still want the version
that stays
because it’s easier
to believe in love that holds on
than to admit
that sometimes
love
lets go
This piece reimagined as a song using Suno (lyrics are mine).
Lyrics:
verse 1
we learn it young in storybooks
how love is proved in staying
how holding on is holiness
no matter what it’s breaking
we memorize the ending
like it’s something to defend
never question if the beauty
was the thing that did her in
prechorus
they dress it up in silver lines
like pain is something pure
but I’ve been staring at it long enough
I’m not so sure
chorus
there’s a dark thought I don’t admit
about the way we call it love
like maybe mercy would’ve been
not waking her up
I’m just saying, Romeo, Romeo
what if love means letting go
there’s a romance in mercy
Take her out of her misery
there’s something in understanding
not every breath means she should stay
maybe the most romantic version
was letting her slip away
verse 2
I know most won’t get it
unless they lived it too
But the tragedy isn’t in what she did
But what he didn’t do
The story is repeated
a hundred different times
And I wonder if they’ll ever see
it from another side
prechorus
And I know how twisted
this might be found
But mercy just seems
Like A sweeter sound
chorus
there’s a dark thought I don’t admit
about the way we call it love
like maybe mercy would’ve been
not waking her up
I’m just saying, Romeo, Romeo
what if love means letting go
there’s a romance in mercy
Take her out of her misery
there’s something in understanding
not every breath means she should stay
maybe the most romantic version
was letting her slip away
bridge
And maybe I’m just tired
And I am really afraid right now
Maybe I don’t mean this
But I just
need to get it out
final chorus
there’s a dark thought I don’t admit
about the way we call it love
like maybe mercy would’ve been
not waking her up
I’m just saying, Romeo, Romeo
what if love means letting go
there’s a romance in mercy
Take her out of her misery
there’s something in understanding
not every breath means she should stay
maybe the most romantic version
was letting her slip away
outro
we learn it young in storybooks
the way we call it love...
I wrote this from a place I don’t always like to admit exists. The kind of place where relief starts to feel like something your desperate for, and mercy seems romantic. That’s dark, but it’s honest.
Our minds can go to places we know they shouldn’t, especially in the moments when everything feels too much. I don’t think pretending those thoughts don’t exist makes us safer. I think naming them does. An awareness that you are in a dark place, but not a permanent one.
This isn’t a celebration of those thoughts. It’s an acknowledgment of them, and a reminder that relief isn’t found in permanence, nothing is. Even when your mind tries to convince you otherwise. Dark thoughts come, but they go as well.
*Don’t worry, everything’s still free.
I’ve just decided to treat my writing a little more like busking.
There’s a tip jar out now,
you can donate if something I’ve written ever stuck with you,
but there’s zero pressure.
Honestly, even better than donations?
Restacks. Shares. Comments.
That’s the currency that keeps the cage alive.
From the cage,
Canary Vale 🪶